Two days after Independence Day, about a month before my 31 st birthday, I got a late-night, disturbing call from my mom that changed my life. It was about my Dad, and as I drove the hour plus to their house, I wasn’t sure if he was alive or not. When I arrived, police cars, an ambulance, and some family members were there. My Dad had committed suicide that night, and my mom had found him. It was devastating.

After everyone left, my mom and I talked about what happened, and I searched for a note which I never found to this day because I suppose, while I hoped for it, it never existed. We stayed up all night talking, crying, being anxious, and trying to figure out what to do next. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I ate my feelings, and gained so much weight, I stopped exercising, socializing, and being myself. I had to put my feelings on hold to take care of the situation and my broken mother. I was broken too. He took himself out of my life so that I cannot share anything with him anymore. It was a hard thing to deal with and to overcome. 

2020 will be 11 years since this happened. It’s been a long road. I’ve finally made peace with myself, with him, with everything, and started going down a path of healthy living and emotional wellbeing. I will never understand why he thought there was no hope and he had to take his own life or why he couldn’t have come to us and asked for help, but I know it wasn’t my fault. 

Forgiveness is what’s withIN me. Forgiveness to my Dad for leaving me, for not being able to ask for help, forgiveness to myself for knowing there was nothing I could do, and forgiveness to be at peace and move on with my life. I know he would want that. I miss him every day.

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