“Are you ok?” These were the first words my sister asked me immediately after the doctor came in to tell her she was dying from cancer and had very little time left. To this day, I still don’t know how someone faced with their own mortality could instinctively ask someone else if they were okay. Maybe it was in her nature, the same force that made her an amazing nurse or maybe she already knew the outcome in her heart, in any event it awes me to this day. My story is one that is probably familiar to a lot of people. It involves the loss of someone special to cancer. That someone special was my sister. She was a beautiful person full of life. She was intelligent, soulful, determined and a loving young mother. She was taken away in the prime of her life but not before she had made a best friend of me, her brother. This journey to being close did not happen until we where older but once it began it left an indelible mark on my being and who I became.
After my sister died I ignored my feelings and did so for years. So much so that I think it cost me some good relationships. I tried to carry on like my life was still in full gear and I refused to completely acknowledge the loss of my sister. Eventually I started to let my feelings out and allow myself to grieve. Now after many years I still cry when I think of her and wonder how my life would be different if she where still here. I wish she could see my two beautiful little boys. I wish she could talk to her daughter and let her know it’s ok to question your direction. I wish she could tell our mom and dad they did all they could and to not feel guilty. I wish she could help guide me through some of my challenges. I wish I could hug her. And most importantly I wish I could tell her ‘I miss you’.
“I MISS YOU” is what’s withIN me and I wear my t-shirt to honor my sister and to acknowledge my feelings.